Every morning for the past six months, I announced loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t go…
It’s a running joke…
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
Looks like I finally did something right.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
But I got over it.
I think it's just a stage he's going through.
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Makes you an eighth theist.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
The signs were there.
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.