Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell