Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.