Every programmer must have deep knowledge of C programming because C is parents of all programming language
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
A lady who is cheating on her husband
There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
