Every time
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
REQUEST: Does anyone know any jokes about being 2nd in command?
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.