Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
But on the other hand im fine
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
The Pacific Ocean
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
For meatier showers
…my super power would be foiling crime.
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
But my doctor just said B positive
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
It's ok though, he woke up.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
It was a day well spent
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
I have a hunch it might be me.
That was when I put my foot down!
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Because it was soda pressing
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
I was an iWitness.
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
So they called it a day.
It was framed!
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.