Every time I’m scrolling these days…
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
the snow balls
A receding hareline
He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
Are you having a crisis?
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
I call it my trail mix.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
For my black jeep…
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
Turned on and in the tub with me.
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
Nothing scares me