Every time we have users test new features.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
Someone tried to attack me yesterday so I threw a table at them
it was a counter-attack.
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
Where are average things made?
The satisfactory.
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒