I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So…is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
engrained
engrained
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.