Every trump supporter I know when they heard about the stimulus package
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
