Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a “secret admirer”. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.
First my mum dies, now this?
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.