Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
2 reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
They would spend it on alcohol. I want to spend it on alcohol.
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…