Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
You’re so ugly that I’m going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you…
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.