Everyone everywhere
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I’m too ‘controlling’.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Why fight over subsbtance when you can instead weaponize symbolic cultural grievances?
https://ift.tt/33wJVXH
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes
Just to feel wanted
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Truly ‘‘twas a pity when William Pitt died
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