Everyone has that one special friend
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy – "It's dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." Man – Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy – "$750." Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
Does February march?
No, but April may!
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
No text found
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
President Trump made it illegal for stores to sell shredded cheese
“Make America grate again”
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
