Everyone keeps telling me my sense of humor is…
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
No text found
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer
She always runs from the ball
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
How does the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.