Everything comes with a price!
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
I have a scary math joke
But I’m 22 to say it 🙁
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
Power outages delight me.
No text found
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
