everything is going smoothly
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound.
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
A man is lost in the desert…
A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck…' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face. A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges. A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!" The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?" The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A SpecTater.
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
