Everything is so useless
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
![[NSFW] Gore](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/31nt0ypd84441-400x602.jpg)
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
Hookers don’t fart
They let out little prosti-toots
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
![Change [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/qheno87cw8w21-400x600.jpg)
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
