Everything is terrible. [OC]
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
What does a house wear?
Address
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
