Everything must go!
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist…..
And immediately received 50,000 matches!!
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV