Evil TV man kills book guy (very sad) 😭😭😭
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?" The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very special." "Why?", asked the woman. " Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally." The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it. So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy, go to town." The frog just sits there doing nothing. "Come on, man. Don't be shy!" Still, the frog does nothing. "This is your moment to shine!" But the frog doesn't move. So the man picks up the frog, looks the frog in the eyes and says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
Knock knock
Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
