Evolution, basically
My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
What does a house wear
Adress
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!” Silence followed….. complete silence… Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM