Ew
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.