I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
What is Yodaâs preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and canât find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy âquick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?â The Alter boy says â2 candy bars and a coke.
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but hereâs something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
Theyâre always assembling
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Canât a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask âWho are youâ âHow did you get in my roomâ âWhy are you nakedâ.
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Whatâs ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, âWell, they were separated at birth.â
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
Theyâre free of charge