Exactly
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
Lately, I’ve been really afraid of elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:’Talking Dog For Sale.’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the owner says. The guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner said "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
