Exactly what all women did
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
Dating is a lot like fishing…
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
