Example #3,427 of the story changing to fit Trump’s needs
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
Checkmate, AI devs
Hear that Karen!
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
Who’s that Pokemon…
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Phone bad. Bible good.
Let us be free!
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
Hypocrisy at it’s finest
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
Just kidding. Be Best.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
Post from family.
Trump press conference decoder:
Corporations are exploiting essential workers with out health insurance…
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Me as a grandpa 😬
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
This is what debugging someone else’s code looks like…
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
Time to hit that “Step into” button
Biden says that the devil’s lettuce may be a gateway drug…
Mastery of HTML
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
The senate would have done it.
The state of the nation
Its no more deadly than the common flu.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
My school is anime and programing friendly
So it begins…
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂
Remember tornados are a hoax!
Sometimes Boomer Humor is adorable
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
What is red and smells like blue paint
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
There’s this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only– he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid. One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student. Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden. Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor– "What's her name?" He asked a friend. "Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye." Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom. Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?" Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so." This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape. So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape. Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal. After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door– but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission. "Tommy, I wanted to ask you something… Would you go to prom with me?" Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second– the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied, "Oh wood eye, wood eye!" Sally was offended and crushed him. The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
I really like it tho
No need to tell me why.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
How to bully machine learning training
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Me treating warnings be like:
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
Poor blind dog doesn’t know the couch is gone
What Fish work in hospitals?
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?