except: pass
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
It all
The title says it all.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…