Excerpt from a child’s anger management book. Perhaps the Trumpet should add it to his library?
Life of a Programmer!
She knows the truth
Boomer humor starter pack
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
Sad, but usually true
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
This gave me a good chuckle
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
Who else needs a Beer after reading this?
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
GOP right now
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment…
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Found it on the wild
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
Yes, that seems about right!
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
THESE BRAVE REPUBLICANS SUPPORT IMPEACHMENT ON PRINCIPLE
Laughes in f(x)
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
If going to harm society, dont.
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.
“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.” “Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?” “Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.” “Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.” The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.” Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Hoping this is satire
The peak of comedy
Netflix should watch what order they put their new releases in.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
Risks vs budget
M4A in a nutshell
Found this book cover thought it would make for great meme
Zippity zappity stop that fappity
Wasn’t sure if I should post this, since it’s only funny under certain circumstances.
certain circumstances. only funny
Haha, woman cheat!
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
Now in two colors!
My mom’s aunt shared this with the family.
Dating a programmer
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Lock Him up!!! 🤣🤣🤣 karma’s a bitch
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
Recursive biscuit packaging
The ultimate answer..
You can’t use this its my funny joke
Is that boomerhumor?
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
This won’t hurt us in the future…
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?