Excuse me, what are you doing?
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
What do you do when you break a stick of asparagus?
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.