Exhaustive boomer wife
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques β visualization, association β it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
People donβt like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
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Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
So I walked into he doctorβs office
He said : βPick a star sign any star sign.β I said : βCapricornβ And he said : βNah you got cancerβ
why did the can-crusher quit itβs job?
because it was soda-pressing!
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes π
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' βCanada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' βReally?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' βNo shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
I used to really enjoy political jokesβ¦
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
βEmployers, whatβs the most inappropriate thing someoneβs worn to a job interview?β
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Which is Coronavirusβ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot