Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. “It looks pretty good,” says the first one. “Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second. “What do you mean?” “Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.” The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. “Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide. “Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph – they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.” So they take out Mary and Joseph too. “Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one. “Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.” So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished. “Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.” “Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.” “Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?” “It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)