Exploring the world of cases.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
I for one, like Roman numerals.
No text found
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.