Eye wouldn’t miss the opportunity eye-there
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
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Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought…
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
"This is a stick up!"
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
