F
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.
He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good …". The guy replies "Last night … Last night was the worst night of my life." "Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?" So the guy tells his story: "Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big …?" "Yeah, I know Sally", says barman. "So I was down there, just having a couple … Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'" "Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night" "Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, yankow. Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and Ahhhin'." "Hey that's pretty good. Sally is a very nice girl. What a night" says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, Ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens." "What happened?" says barkeep. "There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my ass and I'm freezing to death!" "Oh I see the problem", sasy barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin'n'aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, that's bad." "Wait, I haven't finsihed yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh no … " says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy. "Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window … anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, let it stop" says the barkeep. "Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, oohin'0n0aaaahin'. And finally they're done. they go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death, and I'm six inches off the ground."
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material…
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne