What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbiâs congregation and out of the other pours the priestâs congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
Why couldnât the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
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Whatâs the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, theyâre under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
I tried to catch Santa last night.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
An interview with a vampire
An interview with a vampire. Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time. Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring. I: Please, tell me more about the recent years. V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising. I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising? V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me. I: Really? V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. Itâs just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
The bouncer said to me, âIâm going to have to ask you to leave.â I said, âWhy?â
They said, âI have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.â
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
Joke
Job interviewer: âAnd where would you see yourself in five yearsâ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ainât afraid to die.
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. âBut Donald, CNN says you were killed!â Ivanka cried. âNope!â Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, âfake noose.â
I want to hear 99 people sing âAfricaâ by Toto.
Itâs something that a hundred men or more could never do.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, âShouldnât! Wouldnât! Couldnât! Didnât! Canât!â
âDonât worry,â said the doc. âThose are just contractions.â
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they donât speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase âsecure the buildingâ. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.