Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
Whatās the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
orionās belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mindāI've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
Thatās a ton of money!
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
When does a joke become a ādad jokeā?
When it becomes apparent
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
Apparently you canāt use ābeef stewā as a password.
Itās not stroganoff.
Why donāt you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because theyāre really good at it
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist