F to pay respect
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
I got bored in class today learning about cells, so i made this. Its not very good ik
https://ift.tt/2OrCOdg
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
I can’t stress how many dirty minded redditors commented on my cakeday joke saying they thought the the monk would cream the girl, so this one’s for you guys.
At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."