Face size: Momentous
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Sir-cumcised
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Taking things literally
is stealing.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."