The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
Remove the S
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Now I know why people call you handsome
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
When it becomes apparent
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Their bark 😎
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
In the pant-ry
A lot of black people would try to mug me
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
It’s made with hole milk.
They formed an alloy-ence
Put an apple logo on your product.
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
Put a little boogie in it!
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”