Facebook (also I didn’t check to see if this is a repost sorry if it is)
And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
…there's never any money in there.
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
It went back for seconds
It was a Big Mcsteak
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
A roamin' Catholic!
He's a small arms dealer
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Their words, not mine.
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
It’s soda pressing.
Just give it time.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.