Facebook bad lawnmower good
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta