Facebook is like a mine
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
What do houses wear?
Address
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.