Factories are my favorite content creators
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland
Well the flag is a big plus
A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him. He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited. Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious." The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
