Facts
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."