Facts baby, I need ’em.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.