Fake article, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-400x433.png)
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night…
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!…. That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
Spent $400 on a limo, but I didn’t get a driver for it.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
