Fake news
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
So, I got married once..
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa…
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.