False Flag
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
I just realized, this sub doesn’t inherently make fun of boomer humor, it just compiles it.
Some boomer humor is actually good, some is wholeheartedly trash, but both sides of the spectrum exist, and both can be enjoyed.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.