Family member sent me this just today
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Velcro is such a rip-off
No text found
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.